stolen from crystal

So here's the deal. Leave me a comment in this post and I will: 1. I'll respond with something random I like about you. 2. I'll tell you what rodent reminds me of you. 3. I'll name something we should do together. 4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or just me). 5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you. 6. I'll leave you a quote that is somehow appropriate to you. 7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you. If I do this for you, please post this on your journal so you can do the same for other people.

a meme thing

So I like to read blogs and well this one, was doing it and so I thought, hey its 1am and I have to go to class tomorrow, so let's give it a shot. Instructions: * Put your music player on shuffle. * Press forward for each question. * Use the song title as the answer to the question, even if it doesn't make any sense. Out of the 2,500 plus songs on my computer: 1. How am I feeling today? "Love You Madly" by Cake um this kinda works, I mean today was a good although very disorienting day, but not sure what this means. 2. Will I get far in life? "Posters" by Jack Johnson, so maybe this should be my new career? anyone wanna buy my posters? 3. How do my friends see me? "Knowing Me, Knowing You" by ABBA, yay! my friends know me! 4. Where will I get married? "What Can You Tell Me" by Chuck Prophet, perfect that this one would be answered with another question :) 5. What is my best friend? "Blame It On The Tetons" by Modest Mouse, okay no, not getting this one 6. What is the story of my life? "Satan Is My Motor" by Cake, wowsas, this one is good, I mean obviously I have been secretly satanic for years now 7. What was high school like? "Alleluia" by oddly enough my high school choir 8. How can I get ahead in life? "Running To Stand Still" by U2, mmmmm deep man, deep 9. What is the best thing about me? "Dreams" by Cranberries, okay I'll take that, although I don't actually remember my dreams that often 10. What is today going to be like? "Complicato In Israel" by David Hirschfelder, great I love complications! 11. What is in store for this weekend? "The Scarlet Tide" by Alison Krauss, actually I don't think it is that time of the month yet 12. What song describes my parents? "Mi Nino" by Gypsy Kings, um this is in spanish and so I don't know what it means, anyone wanna help me out? 13. To describe my grandparents? "Orange Blossom Special" by Johnny Cash, a rather beautiful image actually 14. How is my life going? "Phone Call" by Yann Tierson, actually I did get a prank phone call recently 15. What song will they play at my funeral? "Martha, My Dear" by the Beatles, actually the name's Abby, Abby, yes short for Abigail, get it right please! 16. How does the world see me? "Absinthe Makes The Heart Grow Fonder" by Jason Webley, um, so does this mean I should go away for a while? 17. Will I have a happy life? "Folsom Prison Blues" by Johnny Cash, oh great thanks for clearing that one up for me 18. What do my friends really think of me? "Unknown" by Lifehouse, okay well this kinda contradicts number 3 19. Do people secretly lust after me? "By The Mark" by Gillian Welch, yeah not getting much out of this one 20. How can I make myself happy? "Go It Alone" by Beck, you have got to be kidding me 21. What should I do with my life? "Honey, Honey" by ABBA, but wait you just told me that I should be alone, now I am supposed to find a "honey, honey" you are so confusing meme! 22. Will I ever have children? "Asleap On A Sunbeam" by Belle & Sebastian, okay so is that a maybe? 23. What is some good advice for me? "Sail To The Moon (Brush the cobwebs of the sky)" by Radiohead, awesome, I am so in! 24. How will I be remembered? "Remember The Time" by Michael Jackson, okay wait, I was just asking you that? 25. What is my signature dancing song? "Shadowboxer" by Fiona Apple, well a great song, even if it doesn't do well for my kinda dancing * 26. What is my current theme song? "The Ascent of Stan" by Ben Folds, what the heck? 27. What does everyone else think my current theme song is? "Wild World" by Cat Stevens, yeah I would have to agree, not making sense can be kinda wild :) *maybe 25 and 26 were supposed to be switched. Okay enough of that craziness, I am gonna go sleep for a while.

got graduation?

So its official folks, I have graduated from GC (Well not really, because I still have a little online course thing to finish up, oh and I don't have a diploma and may term starts on Wed.) Actually yeah, not really sure why I graduated today, or how, but according to the 100 people who have all told me congratulations, I seem to have graduated. It's been interesting, these past few days have been full of nostalgic moments, group bonding, close times and other tear worthy events, but as for tearing up, nope not me. I guess I just haven't felt like it, which is weird considering how down I was this past week. I think its because this whole graduation thing feels really surreal, plus I have been feeling disconnected from classes for a while now. But for whatever reasons, and despite my lack of tears, this weekend has been pretty great. Today especially. After waking up at 7:30am, to shower, shave legs, and curl hair, I went to the Assembly Graduate breakfast and then for first hour. All went well, breakfast was yummy, singing was good, sermon was interesting. Then Dad, Mom and I skipped out early to head over to the Baccalaureate, which ended being really good. A peace prof talked about his time in N. Ireland and other things, plus senior reflections and other good times. Then home to eat lunch and sew a snap onto my dress so that the front wouldn't be so "sexy" (as Libby described it), then went back to the college to meet up with my housemates and we walked over to get ready for the processional. The ceremony went well, not too long, but long enough. Oh and I didn't trip and fall and embarrass myself hugely when walking across the stage. Then of course came the hugging and congratulating and picture taking. Mom was very obliging and let me take lots of pictures with people. Then it was back to the house, to get ready for our open house. Which rocked, I got to talk to lots of good people and I had good conversations with Laurel and Andy (actually 3 andrews) and there was lots of good food and I got to see the Rushes and we talked about Hong Kong and how good peanut butter ripple ice cream is. So it really was quite lovely, but now I am tired and getting a little loopy, so I am going to go to bed.

amazing women's night

I just arrived back from my evening at Katie's mysterious amazing women awards night. With some help from a few bodyguards and papparazi, she invited her close graduating girl friends to her apartment. It was a black tie event, so we all got gussied up, pulling out old prom gowns and senior recital gowns. Then Katie gave her prepared program in which she very eloquently talked about each person, and how they had influenced her life over the past four years. It was beautiful, a little tear inducing, and very meaningful for me considering the ups and downs I have been experiencing this semester. It always helps to realize how much we all impact each others' lives and how really blessed we have been to know each other. Katie's award for me was the "Oracle" award for the way I perceive people and try to give advice. That was a wonderful thing to hear, especially coming from someone I consider to be so wise herself. The whole evening was a beautiful gift from Katie to all of us who have become so close over these past few years. Sigh....feeling so content right now! On a totally random note, apparently a fair number of people who end up randomly at my site get here for searching for "buca de pepa", which is the mispelled name of an italian resturant I went to in Indy with my family. The real name is Buca di Beppo, but apparently there are a lot of people out there who are just as bad at spelling as I am!

whoa, guys

dude, I just scored a 77% on a crossword at this website. Now I know that doesn't sound that great, but if you try one, then maybe you would know why my nerdy little heart thinks that's so cool.

listening: Blow the Moon Out Please - Hem

I listened to Hem a lot in China SST, it is perfect for those recovering melancholy moods. When you want to just be comforted by quietness with a twist of bittersweet hope. Things I have learned/thought about since my previous post: 1. Although setbacks are so much more easily absorbed and believed, that doesn't make the bits of praise and compliments any the less important. Why is it that I will believe the critiques so much quicker than the praise? 2. There are other good kinds of writing than historical writing, and maybe what I love about history doesn't have to be the academic part. 3. My family is amazing, especially my mother, who is a wonderful, beautiful and much admired person 4. A good meal, a 2 hour alias episode (in which the obvious is finally confirmed), and lots of laughing with friends can really improve one's outlook. 5. But that doesn't mean that I still don't have issues, sigh, when did life get complicated, because I swear I think it used to be simpler to be happy.

close but not quite

(in which Abby blogs about what she has been thinking about recently, but not writing about) If feels right now like a lot of factors in my life are close, but not quite. For example I just got back from my exit interview with my history prof in which my final grade for my paper was revealed. It was a B, which I think a part of me knew it was gonna be. But of course there is another part of me, that is just plain down disappointed. The one problem with academics coming fairly easy for me, is that any "failures" or deviations from my expectations for myself are all the harder to take. And really the B part wasn't hard, so much as the "good....but" part. I have never been a perfectionist and I can hardly understand the concept, but I have always hated to be good, but not quite good enough. I think my total GPA for my time here at GC will be 3.9 out of 4.0, which I know is good and that I shouldn't feel bad about, but I can't help feeling like it is proof once more about how I am good at academics, but....... And it isn't just about academics either. I think that was one of the hardest parts about my failed relationship with Z, I felt like I was almost good enough for him, but not quite. Now I know that sounds negative, it is more that we matched in a lot of areas, but not in others. Although if you asked me now, I would have a hard time figuring out how I ever thought we matched up. But I feel that same idea in other relationships too. Recently I have been feeling like I am a good friend, but...maybe I make things too much about me and my issues, maybe I can't be giddy for my friends when they want me to, maybe I don't have the energy to go out and be social. For all the gray areas in my belief system and outlook on life, it is being an almost, so close, not quite that bothers me the most. I think this also plays out in my self esteem in that I can feel beautiful, but not attractive. That I can pull together an outfit, but there is always a part that feels like it needs just something a little different. And in totally superficial areas, the dress I ordered arrived and was beautiful, but (you guessed it), it is a little bit too big. It is still wearable, but it doesn't look as good as it would if it fit perfectly. Plus returns are impossible, because the dress seems to have sold out in all sizes, seeing as it is no longer listed online. So its either return this one and find a totally different one, or find a way to make this one work. Also this past week, I finally went to see the counselor to talk about my "issues", of which the main one we talked about was body image/self esteem. While it was really hard for me to finally persuade myself to go, I was glad I went, even though parts of it were really intimidating. Like filling out a form in which I had to check of boxes of what my "issues" were and sign confidentiality things and tell a practical stranger that I have trouble seeing myself as physically attractive. I often hate doing/saying things/ or being in situations where my size is made obvious. I think sometimes I feel like I don't tell anyone that I am a larger woman, then no one will notice. As for the session itself, it was good, but probably more reassuring than insightful. I know enough about the concept of therapy to know that one hour-long session definitely isn't going to fix everything, but still wouldn't quick fixes be nice? So there, readers, I am not sure if you actually wanted that outpouring of information, but there you go.

one exam left

Well I really have no clue what I was actually going to say here. I remember thinking to myself just a few moments ago, about how I should post something, but now of course I can't think of anything intelligent or interesting to say. But as you all probably guess it, that won't keep me from publishing this :) I took the Hist Glo Pov exam this morning, I think it went okay. Although I decided not to write my two essays in thesis format, because gosh darn it I have written enough thesises for this collage. And besides aren't arguments so much more interesting if you give names to the two sides (Jerry and Ann, for example) and then frame the whole thing in the form of a conversation? Yeah I thought you would agree with me on that one. Also Easter was great, I did nothing really, which is like my favorite thing to do. I made another ring to finish up my jewelry for the semester, and then polished up a copper one I did earlier in the year. In other news I only have one exam left and its for a class that I am not really worried about, so that feels good. And I turned in my Senior portfolio, so that's one more thing I never have to think about again. The sun is shining, so I think I might take a wee nap.

done

I am sitting here in the Schertz computer lab, looking at my three paper clipped (to many pages to staple) copies of my final senior history thesis. So yes I suppose the celebration should begin, but instead I am just really kinda nervous. I mean what if my professors hate my paper, declare me a slacker and withhold my diploma............ack I thought I didn't care any more! in other news I ordered the dress!

so graduation outfits

Isn't this a gorgeous dress! I want it, but here's the thing it's $70! But then I mean I could wear it for a lot more than just graduation. So what think you all? Would it be worth it?

mood of the moment

getting weary to the bone, and it seems my attention span has already graduated from college and deep inside me sighs a voice "its not fair"

triple shift

closed Saturday night at GG opened this morning close Sunday 8 page paper due Monday but on the plus side Meryl gave me a backrub that worked a few of the dozen or so knots out of my shoulders

10 reasons yesterday rocked my socks off

10. I completed my enneagram o crap presentation for class and it seemed to be well received, so check up another assignment to my bs skills 9. got my teeth cleaned and learned that once again I have no cavities (although its looking like the wisdom teeth need to come out this summer) 8. presented my senior history thesis to a crowd of maybe 20 people, didn't puke or otherwise embarrass myself, in fact may have fooled people into thinking I am a professional 7. recieved compliment on presentation telling me I should consider being a teacher, appreciated the thought despite all lack of teaching in my possible future plans 6. it was sunny 5. I baked a devil's food cake from scratch (even though I used store bought icing), it was pretty good. Which is a good thing, because I had to frikin beat each ingredient one at a time and egg whites and combining carefully and sifting and all sorts of crap that is way different than adding an egg to a cake mix. 4. I completed the goshen news crossword with the help of my parents and megan while waiting for number 1 to arrive 3. ummm, I don't know number one and two are the really cool ones 2. my housemate lena returned from SST 1. Jonathan, my younger booger brother returned from SST! and he is fluffier and curlier and tanner and cooler and just so totally awesome! Yayy!!!!!

listening - "Etcetera Whatever" Over the Rhine

yay for ipods, they make the computer lab so much nicer Working on the thesis presentation tomorrow, kinda nervous, but I just have to keep telling myself that "we're gonna be alright", I know this stuff. I have been obsessing over it for more than a year, I just need to be able to say my stuff articulately and calmly. Still I can't wait for tomorrow evening to arrive, oh say 7pm. Yeah that's a good time, let's just forward there, any takers?

p.s

I just passed 4,000 visitors to this site! Thanks to those of you who read this (or stumble across it by accident), it's nice to have you around.

tummies and junior high brats

Tonight was crazy at GG, I ended up working from 9:30 to close by myself. This wasn't a big deal until around 20 junior high and high school age kids came in all at once and a bunch of them wanted smoothies and we only have two blenders. So I was working my butt off and of course none of them tipped. So I was in this really exhausted bad mood when I came home and there were dishes waiting for me. Ugh, but then I chatted with Mel, Alex and Meryl and got a great backrub from Meryl and got to vent about my evening. So that made things better. I am still really exhausted though, sleep will be lovely. But the craziest part of today was learning that a good friend of mine from high school is pregnant. She's single, but apparently decided to keep the baby, which I am really impressed with. And seeing her, and her pregnant belly, just wow, kinda really happy for her, and just blown away by the whole idea. I mean I know that at this stage in life I will be seeing my friends get engaged and married, right and left, but pregnancy, that's a new one. Makes me feel old, but yet not, because I don't really see myself as ready for either marriage or babies. Probably another good thing, because neither option would fit into my life right now. Anyways I am not sure this makes any sense, but I am gonna go brush my teeth.