close but not quite

(in which Abby blogs about what she has been thinking about recently, but not writing about) If feels right now like a lot of factors in my life are close, but not quite. For example I just got back from my exit interview with my history prof in which my final grade for my paper was revealed. It was a B, which I think a part of me knew it was gonna be. But of course there is another part of me, that is just plain down disappointed. The one problem with academics coming fairly easy for me, is that any "failures" or deviations from my expectations for myself are all the harder to take. And really the B part wasn't hard, so much as the "good....but" part. I have never been a perfectionist and I can hardly understand the concept, but I have always hated to be good, but not quite good enough. I think my total GPA for my time here at GC will be 3.9 out of 4.0, which I know is good and that I shouldn't feel bad about, but I can't help feeling like it is proof once more about how I am good at academics, but....... And it isn't just about academics either. I think that was one of the hardest parts about my failed relationship with Z, I felt like I was almost good enough for him, but not quite. Now I know that sounds negative, it is more that we matched in a lot of areas, but not in others. Although if you asked me now, I would have a hard time figuring out how I ever thought we matched up. But I feel that same idea in other relationships too. Recently I have been feeling like I am a good friend, but...maybe I make things too much about me and my issues, maybe I can't be giddy for my friends when they want me to, maybe I don't have the energy to go out and be social. For all the gray areas in my belief system and outlook on life, it is being an almost, so close, not quite that bothers me the most. I think this also plays out in my self esteem in that I can feel beautiful, but not attractive. That I can pull together an outfit, but there is always a part that feels like it needs just something a little different. And in totally superficial areas, the dress I ordered arrived and was beautiful, but (you guessed it), it is a little bit too big. It is still wearable, but it doesn't look as good as it would if it fit perfectly. Plus returns are impossible, because the dress seems to have sold out in all sizes, seeing as it is no longer listed online. So its either return this one and find a totally different one, or find a way to make this one work. Also this past week, I finally went to see the counselor to talk about my "issues", of which the main one we talked about was body image/self esteem. While it was really hard for me to finally persuade myself to go, I was glad I went, even though parts of it were really intimidating. Like filling out a form in which I had to check of boxes of what my "issues" were and sign confidentiality things and tell a practical stranger that I have trouble seeing myself as physically attractive. I often hate doing/saying things/ or being in situations where my size is made obvious. I think sometimes I feel like I don't tell anyone that I am a larger woman, then no one will notice. As for the session itself, it was good, but probably more reassuring than insightful. I know enough about the concept of therapy to know that one hour-long session definitely isn't going to fix everything, but still wouldn't quick fixes be nice? So there, readers, I am not sure if you actually wanted that outpouring of information, but there you go.